I’m not sure where the idea that marriage doesn’t take work came from. That if some action takes considerable effort for one partner of the marriage but not the other, it means that the marriage can’t possibly be meant to be?
Grew up with family that only hugs on special occasions? It’ll probably be work to make sure you’re physically affectionate enough to fulfill the needs of your partner. Grew up in a family that doesn’t always communicate well? Most definitely, you’ll have problems when trying to have any sort of argument, especially one where you’re more than likely in the wrong.
Work isn’t a bad thing. Everyone has to work to sustain their life (okay, I mean, I don’t work for The Man, but you know what I mean). Work gives you money to buy food (and who doesn’t love food?), to go on vacations and make memories with your spouse and friends, to live in a comfortable home with internet so you can read my blog - clearly work is a necessity of life. So why wouldn’t work be required in a commitment through good times and bad?*
Y’all (that’s right, y’all) must be wondering now, why I bring this up. Recently we were present in the death of a marriage. One party decided that they were done. It was just too hard being a good partner. It was just too hard having to work. The bad times came and they jumped off the stately marriage ship, head first, no trying, no life jacket. Kersplash.
This experience was definitely one of our worst. It was horrible. There where tears on our part, tears by their little girl, tears by the spouse left standing on the dock of her marriage-ship with a bucket. We never thought we’d be present for that moment, the kill moment, when you know nothing will ever be the same again for this marriage; when all you will see is the chalk outline.
I get that at some point, after lots of hard work, and probably even professional help, that a marriage may have to come to an end. But if being in a marriage is work, then getting to leave it also has to be work, not just a see-ya-later-have-a-nice-life-I’m-out.
Maybe I should blog more about the things we struggle with in our marriage? Maybe not. Because despite all the work that this happy married couple puts into their marriage, what I remember is all the fun we’ve had. This blog really is an honest depiction of our life, and I love it. Even the “work” that may not always get blogged, that “work” just makes us better. Cuz who wants to be worse?
*I work on my communication skills, especially during arguments, and I have to say IT. IS. WORK. But now we can have a 5 minute argument instead of a 2 hour painful, teary mess. I’d have to say that my hard work is worth it and paying off.
"The Loss of Love" Photography by me.
Poem by Lucy Quin.
"I don’t much like love,
it’s like trying to keep water
in clenched fists,
but when you open your hand
it slips away,
it always slips away.”
I don’t think this poem is titled originally. To read more of Lucy Quin’s work go here http://lucyquin.tumblr.com/ To see the original post of the poem quoted in the image go here http://lucyquin.tumblr.com/post/50753718310/i-dont-much-like-love-its-like-trying-to-keep
"I’m a neuroscience researcher."
"If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?"
"Listen to your inner voice."
"You’re a scientist. Isn’t ‘inner voice’ a spiritual term?"
"Bullshit! You’ll hear scientists talking about following their inner voice as much as you’d hear a musician or a priest."
"So how do you know which of your thoughts are your true inner voice?"
"All of them are! The question is— how much weight do you give them? How much authority do you give your own thoughts? Are you taking them seriously? Or are you sitting in front of the damn tube letting other people tell you what to think?"